Wednesday, February 23, 2005

inanimate objects.

ideally, this publication (what?) should contain little more than rambling lists of things of which i am sick and tired. it might be entertaining. funny even. unfortunately, i am cursed with more patience than the yarmuk hospital (okay, maybe it would never be funny). i need to be more infuriated. i need to feel anger. to hate inanimate objects. to want to break people, places and things. add ideas to that.

the only thing that has even gotten close to frustrating me this week is the ebay treasure hunt. this is a game where the lovely people at ebay post incredibly vague clues intended to lead you to an object being sold at auction. if you find it, you get $1000. simple enough, right? well, here's an example i've thrown together to try and explain the logic behind this little scavenger affair:

clue: phalanges.

answer: well, a phalanx is a bone in the finger or toe. that song "head, shouders, knees, and toes" sort of reminds me of a shampoo, and that's also the name of a warren beatty movie which co-stars goldie hawn, who's name rhymes with "dawn," which is when the sun rises; bread rises too and, slangily, bread is money, which is, by an old adage, equivalent to time, which can be read on clock; clocks tic(k) and so do people with tourette's syndrome; george gilles de la tourette was born in london, a city sharing its name with the guy who wrote the call of the wild; a WILDebeest is a type of antelope and "ante" means "before," so what's before "lope" in webster's? lop! and you could, if you chose, lop someone's arms off with a samurai sword. so, if you want the $1000, you should enter "teenage mutant ninja turtles" in the search bar because, if i remember correctly, at least one of them has a samurai sword. if that doesn't work, you need to delve into the history of whichever artist that turtle is named after. try searching the maiden name of his long-dead wife.

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