The Glacier Hop.

When it's negative ninety degrees outside, the fifteen-minute walk to the train in the morning can make you feel truly unfit for survival: a one-legged man in a legs-having contest. In order to cope with the wind, the faceburn, and those subconscious pangs of impending doom, one must wisely choose the five to seven songs he is able to listen to while trying not to tip his rickety dinghy into the river Styx. Below is a humble suggestion for maximizing the artificial heat your record (read: mp3) collection can provide you.

1. Magnetic Fields - 100,000 Fireflies

The repetitive bells and piano can completely hypnotize you into feelinglessness. I'm surprised Stephen Merritt didn't make up that word. If possible, try to avoid listening to the lyrics; concentration can spoil the hypnotizing effects and lead to feelings of inadequacy and dejection.

Distraction: 9/10
Virtual Warmth: 8/10
Pumpedness: 4/10

2. The Dwarves - Cain Novocaine

Though this track will keep you warm for less than two minutes, its brand of straight-up brainfuckling, umbrella-codpiece slimerock is an essential part of your breakfast. Its chanty refrain will keep you focused and make you feel like your boring trudge through the gray streets of your dull town is a really important mission.

Distraction: 7/10
Virtual Warmth: 7/10
Pumpedness: 8/10

3. A Tribe Called Quest - Keeping It Moving

The effectiveness of this song hinges on one thing: it is impossible to not dance to. Dancing can warm most of your body, but maybe not the extremities. Try to incorporate face and finger movements into your dancing. Try to do this without freaking too many people out.

Distraction: 10/10
Virtual Warmth: 0/10 (This song provides, by extension, actual warmth.)
Pumpedness: 9/10

4. The Lucksmiths - Untidy Towns

The Lucksmiths' particular brand of Wintery twee was made for just this occasion. It's basically audio comfort food with happy melodies and a lot of humming.

Distraction: 7/10
Virtual Warmth: 10/10
Pumpedness: 5/10

5. Jay-Z - The Ruler's Back

The more curmudgeonly of my readers may scoff at the title borrowed from the bygone hiphop classic. But even if this isn't a song for the ages, it's certainly an effective source of heat. Walking down the sidewalk with this song playing, you feel like you must be prepared, fully on-guard, for any moment an enemy might burst through a glass storefront and engage you in kung-fu battle.

Distraction: 8/10
Virtual Warmth: 8/10
Pumpedness: 10/10

6. Wire - Field Day for the Sundays

It is unnecessary to wax talkative about the greatest twenty-eight seconds in music history.

Distraction: 10/10
Virtual Warmth: 9/10
Pumpness: 9/10

7. Booker T and the MG's - Green Onions

Simply the greatest walking-down-the-street song for any occasion, Green Onions is for people on their way to rob a bank, slaughter a rival, join a gang of misfits, seduce a rival's wife, win a game of skill, eat a big fucking sandwich, blow something up, win a game of chance, steal something you don't want, clothesline someone, become emperor of all hell, rake leaves, love everything, or just to pick up some eggs. Nothing will make you feel more important than this.

Distraction: 10/10
Virtual Warmth: 10/10
Pumpedness: 69/10
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Alternate Mix: Velvet Underground - Sister Ray